Listen Up! I'm still infertile.

infertility, niaw, ivf, bloggers unite

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme for this year is "Listen Up!" I debated a while whether or not I want to post this. I was afraid of possibly hurting someone's feelings, or making them feel bad. However, I think it's important to remind people. Infertility doesn't go away. Listen up - I'm still infertile.

Now that we're considering trying for another baby, I find myself starting familiar habits again.

I am searching for the best diet for IVF or PCOS, looking for ways to naturally heal, looking for success stories of miracle babies conceived naturally after having to do IVF before, wondering if I'll be one of those lucky ones, wondering if I'm able to go through the heartbreak of another failed cycle.

It's like an older version of myself is trying to come back again. I want to stop her. I don't want to go through those emotions again. As pregnancy announcements come in of friends expecting their second or third babies, I sense it. The tiniest twinge of jealousy, of comparison, of fear of going through it all again.

The fact that I'm a mom at all is a blessing. Some women are still fighting, some moved on to a life without children. I am grateful for my one. But I also feel guilty.

What if I am unable to give him a sibling?
Will Atticus be lonely?
Will he be overly spoiled?
Will he wish he would've had a baby brother or sister?
Will he be sad that his children wont have maternal cousins?
Will he be sad he won't get to be an uncle to a sibling's child?
Will he have the pressure of having to take care of me all by himself when I'm 70 and there's no one else to help him out to share the burden?

As much as everyone means well, it sometimes seems like the journey it took to finally achieve parenthood is diminished or forgotten. Soon after Atticus was born we starting hearing the same old questions, just slightly evolved. Instead of "When are you going to have kids?" we got, "When is the next one?" They seem innocent enough. Reassuring that "next time" we might get a girl. Or even further,  "maybe pregnancy cured you" and we'll get pregnant naturally. Like it's that easy. Like my husband's health is magically cured too. (Remember it takes two to tango!)

I may not get to have another baby. I might not want to do IVF again. I don't know what the future holds. All I know right now is, the sound of my biological clock ticking is getting louder in my head again.

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