Am I Ready?

I've been getting used to life post IVF/FET. My new job is great. I LOVE it. We even adopted a lovable new lab mix, Joey, who is keeping me busy and active on daily walks. He loves to play fetch and cuddle too! He's a good positive change in our lives, bringing some much needed life and happiness. However, I don't want to get too comfortable. I don't want to lose my drive.

Be it wacky PCOS hormones, or the most recent pregnancy announcements or baby photos on Facebook, I go through bouts of being really unhappy or disappointed with our lives without a child. Infertility. I get mad. I get sad. I become hopeless. After having lunch with my dear cousin one workday, she mentioned she was able to see a therapist at no cost through our work's insurance. (We both work for the State of CA.) My cousin suffered two miscarriages before having her gorgeous baby girl. She said she really thinks it helped her process everything.

So, after a couple of phone calls and a quick Google search, I set up an appointment with a buddhist psychotherapist. I've only been to two sessions so far, and I think it's a good thing. While we don't attack all the emotions I have, he helps guide me to focus on my "narrative." What is going to get me through this? What do I want? How is my story going to end? -- A baby duh!

I've been putting off doing another FET for various reasons: our hippy energy working friend suggesting we don't do another FET, my doubts in our remaining embryos and 27 year old uterus, money, fear, what the meds are doing to my body. It's now or never. I'm only getting older. Time only is getting away from us.

Then a day or so after telling the husband I was ready to try again a former coworker posted on Facebook: "Don't stop because you're tired, stop when you're done." I almost jumped out of my seat. YES. I AM SO FRICKIN TIRED OF INFERTILITY. But am I done? NO way Jose. Even if this FET doesn't work, even if we walk away from our remaining embryos. I'm not done. I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work. Maybe we'll save for an adoption. Maybe we'll live life without kids. Whatever we decide or whatever happens, I want to be okay with our decision. I hope that's where the therapy will help.

Before we jump into the next cycle, I'm trying extra hard to eat really clean and healthy, walk multiple times a day, yoga it up, and remain calm.


  1. I'm keeping you guys in my thoughts, but I'm glad that you guys are staying positive!

  2. Thank you Sarah!! I'm jealous of all your house renovations and baby goats!

  3. I absolutely love when you write in your blog!! Love reading it.