Six Months Later

Well it's been about six months since we decided to move forward with IVF and I'm still not pregnant.

After our first cycle failed, I knew I wanted to try again ASAP. We waited the recommended one cycle in between, and called to set up our FET. We had some money leftover from our first cycle that I decided not to put towards paying off our IVF loan just in case we needed it for a FET, which we did.

This next cycle had to work I thought. After all, during orientation the nurse said for those who don't get pregnant during a fresh cycle usually end up with a successful FET. We had everything in our favor, age, embryo quality, uterine quality, my hormones were level. This was supposed to be it.

My doctor had to correct himself a couple of times during our FET appointments, saying he was sure this would work "without a doubt," and then quickly redeem his promise with "well fingers crossed."
I was still doubtful going into our second transfer, everything seemed to be going too well. Dr. G was so confident. Maybe I was being too hard on myself, maybe this could really work.

I tried to remain hopeful the couple days after our transfer. Remembering how pessimistic I was the last time. My body, my baby, could hear the negativity. I knew that I wanted nothing but positive thoughts circling this time around. However, as most infertiles know, there comes a point in your cycle when you convince yourself it didn't work. For me, that was about 5 days past transfer. I had bought some digital pregnancy tests at Target the day of our transfer, and was going to save it for the next day. It's a bit of a battle deciding whether I want to continue to hope for the next 5 days, or be put out of my misery. If it's negative, at least I would know. It's hard to have everything build up on a phone call.

It was negative. I cried on my way to work, taking about 5 minutes in my car sitting in the parking lot to compose myself enough to walk in. Slap a fake smile on like I do every day. Having experienced a failed cycle already, I thought a second failure would be easier. I had been through it already, but it's much harder.


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