We got the call of our beta results on the way to San Francisco. I didn't cry. We had lots of things planned for our weekend and I just needed to wait until we were home to process it all. I also wound up in urgent care after a couple of days of incredible pain i my ear, jaw, and head.

On our way home from the city, still not feeling well from my sinus infection, the pain came again. It was shocking, sharp, and nearly unbearable - radiating down my left ear and jaw. Overwhelmed, I started to cry because it hurt. And then I started to sob. It was as if the emotional pain of another failed IVF manifested itself into physical pain. It was nearly too much to process all at once.

It's hard to decipher how I feel now really. Equal parts grief, anger, and hope. I can't even quantify it really. I've become used to the pain, heartbreak, and disappointment. I feel empty, overwhelmed, and lost all at once. There are moments when I feel nothing. S is my only comfort. He's so positive and reassuring. It's hard because I know he is hurting too, but he wants to be strong for the both of us.

I don't know what's next. That's scary. I don't know how much longer I can fight. The fear of giving up and living my life childless is almost so enthrallingly terrifying I can't breathe. I'm tired of this consuming me. We're stuck. We can't forget about it and keep living and it'll happen when it happens. We can't not think about it. We have to always save. No vacations, no house renovations, no new cars. Every thought, every move, every breath is how this will help or hinder our ability to get pregnant.

I'm losing faith in IVF. In my embryos, In my body. I also don't want to be 35 or 40 when this happens. I know I should be thankful, grateful for it whenever, but that's not the dream. I want to have time to enjoy my child. Also, I cannot even fathom doing this for another 10 years. As much as I am consumed by the longing for a child, I have to remind myself that I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for my marriage. I want my marriage to be happy. I want us to be happy. I don't want to look back on the first decade of our marriage and regret all the effort we put into infertility instead of each other.

For now, i'm trying gluten free and acupuncture again. Hopefully my body will get back on track again quickly and be ready for whatever we decide to do next. I'll let it consume me until there's nothing left.

If something burns your soul
with purpose and desire,
it's your duty to be reduced to ashes by it.
- Charles Bukowski


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