Change of Heart

It's funny how things change quickly. Decisions for me aren't easy. Whether it's what to eat for dinner, what to wear, and definitely how to face infertility. But in a matter of one night's sleep I changed my mind.

When we received the husband's most recent analysis, noting little to no improvement in the motility category, I think I knew that minute what we needed to do. It was something that we had been fighting, that we had been saying over and over "it's not for us." However, I knew that in the end, i'd be lying to myself if I didn't think I wasn't going to try every possible means to reach my goal of parenthood.

Funny enough, when we decided over breakfast, OK we're for sure moving forward with this, I think we both felt an immense relief. For me, I think a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. IVF has always been a "last resort," "down the line," "later", "maybe when we're 30" thought for us; but, here it was facing us right now.

The many trepidations I have with IVF are still a concern, but they're something i'm willing to risk. I keep reminding myself,  "Whatever it takes!"

And, as I sit facing my third nightly dose of birth control pill, I think it's a bit ironic. Sure, i'm worried. Just a month ago I swore over and over that I would NEVER EVER go on the birth control pill again. I was convinced it's what brought on my PCOS (though all my doctors scoff at the idea when I bring it up). I was going to do this the hippy dippy, natural, less invasive, holistic way. Who knows if my ovaries will shut down when this is all said and done, and I'll need another month's worth of acupuncture sessions to jump start their productivity? But - it's a risk i'm willing to take. Seeing the progress i've made, and that I know I can do on my own, without hormones, I have faith that I will be able to restore to my "old self" after IVF (and hopefully childbirth) is over.

Main Concerns:
OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome - not fun)
Wasting 11,000 and ending up with no embryos
Wasting 11,000 ending up pregnant, and miscarrying
Wasting 11,000 ending up not getting pregnant

Alas, time is of the essence when it comes to my reproductive organs, and i'm ready to be done.


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